There are lots of reasons to love the holiday season — and lots of reasons to dread it, too — but one constant is the holiday classic. Whether it’s Charlie Brown and his tiny little tree or Rudolph with his big red nose; that so-ugly-he’s-adorable green Grinch or that so-adorable-she’s-annoying little girl from Miracle on 34th Street, these movies are a big part of the season’s culture. But what if I were to take a holiday from tradition and change them up just a little? To wit:

The Three Scrooges. The madcap adventures of the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future, and that wild and crazy guy, Ebenezer.

It’s a Wonderful Wife. The true story of how George Bailey’s wife coped. Do you know how hard it is to live with a delusional lunatic? And with those bells ringing constantly?

Frosty the Snowplow. How our villain, disguised as everyone’s favorite snowman, manages to plow down an entire neighborhood.

Jingle Sells! Or, how to sell the crap out of the holiday season, now starting as early as July at a store near you.

Randolph the Brown-Nosed Reindeer. The untold story of Rudolph’s kiss-ass cousin (and his plot to win the reindeer games).

How the Winch Stole Christmas. The hilarious account of what happened when dad tried to string holiday lights from the roof and the fire department crane had to get him down.

Let It Snow, Let It Snow — Let It Go Already! A heart-wrenching drama that follows one L.A. woman through therapy as she seeks to get past her (sob!) unrealistic hopes for a white Christmas.

‘Twas the Night Before Hanukkah. A retelling of the classic bedtime story wherein “visions of sugarplums” are replaced by “dreams of Bubbe’s latkes,” and that damn mouse is eradicated by pest control. (A mouse in my clean house? Oy!)

A Partridge in a Bare Tree. The three-handkerchief story of one former teen idol’s brave effort to revitalize his career in the winter of his years.

Yes, Virginia, There Is an App for That. The heart-warming tale of one little girl and her quest for the truth: “If I see it on an app, does that make it real?”

This holiday season, may your hearts and tummies be full, your lights be bright, and your stockings be coal-free.

And remember to practice safe mistletoe. (Especially you, Vixen.)

© 2014 Claudia Grossman