I have fond memories of walking into the Macy’s flagship store on 34th Street in New York just after Thanksgiving to find that it had been transformed into a winter wonderland overnight. No more. Now that transformation happens everywhere the second that Halloween is over. Candy corn is replaced by candy canes at a speed to rival that of Santa’s global-circling reindeer. And suddenly it’s Christmastime.
Is this rush really necessary? To add to the clamor, our too-early-holiday hysteria is set to a deluge of seasonal music played everywhere — radio stations, malls, restaurants, theaters, elevators — starting the first day of November and going all the way up until New Year’s Day. All holiday sounds. All. The. Time.
Sure, lots of holiday songs are charming, fun, spirited, spiritual — but none of them warrants that kind of over-and-over play. Even Irving Berlin’s White Christmas can go from dream to nightmare in a matter of days. To wit:
Deck the Halls First time I hear it: Fa-la-la-la-la to you too! Fifth time: Holly jolly! Tenth time: Leave me alone before I deck you.
Jingle Bells First time: Everybody into the sleigh! Fifth time: Sing it, ring it! Tenth time: Jingle no more. And what the hell is a bobtail anyway?
Dreidel, Dreidel First time: Aww, look how cute — it’s made out of clay! Fifth time: Spin it, baby! Tenth time: Shut up — I’d rather have a Christmas tree.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus First time: Ooh, a little naughty there! Fifth time: How fun — she’s tickling him too! Tenth time: Stop the music — this little kid is going to need therapy. Either Mommy is cheating on Daddy or Daddy is really Santa and Santa (gulp!) doesn’t exist!
All I Want for Christmas Is You First time: I’m yours forever. Fifth time: What a sweet lyric! Tenth time: Sounding a little needy. Go away.
Santa Claus Is Coming to Town First time: Such a cute little song! Fifth time: Okay, I won’t pout! Tenth time: He’s making a list? He knows if I’ve been naughty? What is he — a stalker?
Santa Claus Is Coming to Town / Bruce Springsteen Version First time: It rocks! Fifth time: It really rocks! Tenth time: Turn the volume way up!
So, to all the music-programming gods out there: Can we mix in some other songs among those unending holiday tunes? Or can we at least hold off on the barrage until December? Or can you put noise-cancelling headphones in my stocking?
Time for a little elf control.
© 2019 Claudia Grossman