I first wrote a version of this blog post a few years ago under a different title; given how much we can all benefit from laughter this holiday season, I thought I’d reprise – and revise – it here, adding a few more chuckles per column inch. May all your celebrations be bright. (Helpful hint: avoid talking politics at the dinner table.)

I have fond memories of walking into New York City’s legendary department stores just after Thanksgiving to find that they had been transformed into a winter wonderland overnight. Interiors strewn with garlands and velvet bows; ornaments in red and gold, silver and blue; twinkling white fairy lights. And those store windows – magical glimpses into the realm of nutcrackers and angels, Santa and Toyland.

No more.

For one thing, so many of those department stores are gone. But, more to the point, the ordinary-to-extraordinary retail transformation doesn’t wait until after Turkey Day but happens everywhere around us the instant that Halloween is over. Candy corn is replaced by candy canes at a speed to rival that of Dancer and Prancer circling the globe. Suddenly it’s Christmas and Hanukkah and Kwanzaa and Festivus wherever you look – even while those jack-o-lanterns still wear their manic grins and Thanksgiving turkeys are just a glimmer on the horizon.

Is this rush really necessary? To add to the clamor, our too-early holiday hysteria is set to a deluge of seasonal music played everywhere we live and listen – radio stations, malls, restaurants, theaters, elevators, even doctors’ offices – starting the first day of November and going all the way up until New Year’s Day. All holiday sounds. All. The. Time.

Sure, lots of holiday songs are fun, upbeat, spirited, spiritual – but not one of them warrants that kind of over-and-over-and-over play. Even Irving Berlin’s White Christmas can go from dream to nightmare in a matter of spins, with days of mellow and bright threatening to become anything but. To wit:

Deck the Halls First time I hear it: Oh so jolly! Fifth time: Such a catchy tune! Tenth time: Stop telling me how to decorate and just go fa-la-la yourself.

Jingle Bells First time: Everybody into the sleigh! Fifth time: Sing it, ring it! Tenth time: Jingle no more. Ever. Please. (And what the hell is a bobtail anyway?)

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer First time: A shiny red nose, how adorable is that! Fifth time: Yay – Rudolph gets to lead the reindeer pack! Tenth time: The only thing more annoying than hearing about Rudolph’s never-failing red noselight is seeing that drum-playing battery spokesbunny.

Dreidel, Dreidel First time: Aww, look how cute – it’s made out of clay! Fifth time: Spin it, baby! Tenth time: Shut up. And gimmel me a break (okay, you have to have played dreidel to get this one but trust me, it’s funny).

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus First time: Ooh, a little naughty there! Fifth time: How fun – and she’s tickling him too! Tenth time: Stop the music – this little kid is going to need therapy. Either Mommy is cheating on Daddy or Daddy is really Santa and Santa (gulp!) doesn’t exist.

All I Want for Christmas Is You First time: I’m yours forever. Fifth time: What a sweet lyric! Tenth time: Sounding a little needy. Go away. 

Santa Claus Is Coming to Town First time: Such a cute little song! Fifth time: Okay, I won’t pout. Tenth time: He’s making a list? He knows if I’ve been naughty? What is he – a stalker?

Santa Claus Is Coming to Town / Bruce Springsteen Version (Obviously, an exception to the rule.) First time: It rocks. Fifth time: It really rocks. Tenth time: Turn the volume way up!

So, to all the music-programming gods out there: Can we mix in some other songs among those unending holiday tunes? Or can we hold off on the barrage until December? Or can you at least put a pair of noise-cancelling headphones in my stocking?

Silent night.

© 2019, 2023 Claudia Grossman