Yesterday I made the mistake of wanting to listen to the radio while driving. Almost every single music station I tuned to was playing holiday music. Only. 24/7. And most of them had started the format well before Thanksgiving turkeys were even defrosting. I suppose it’s just part of the trend that has the holiday season starting earlier each year (“Hey, Mac — let’s get that Halloween candy off the shelves and load in the Santa hats — stat!”), and I guess that once you hear that Grandma got run over by the reindeer the first ten times, you start rooting for Blitzen just a little. Hence, I offer this bit of irreverent holiday humor to help cut through the non-stop merry mania — my naughty takes on those nice holiday classics:

The Three Scrooges

The madcap adventures of the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future, and that wild and crazy guy, Ebenezer.

It’s a Wonderful Wife

The true story of how George Bailey’s wife coped – do you know how hard it is to live with a delusional lunatic? And with those bells ringing constantly?

Frosty the Snowplow

How our villain, disguised as everyone’s favorite snowman, manages to plow down an entire neighborhood.

Jingle Sells

Or, how to sell the crap out of the holiday season, now starting as early as July in a store near you.

Randolph the Brown-Nosed Reindeer

The untold story of Rudolph’s kiss-ass cousin – and his plot to win the reindeer games.

How the Winch Stole Christmas

The hilarious account of what happened when dad tried to string holiday lights from the roof – and the fire department crane had to get him down.

Let It Snow, Let It Snow – Let It Go Already!

A heart-wrenching drama that follows one LA woman through therapy, as she seeks to get past her (sob!) unrealistic hopes of a white Christmas.

’Twas the Night Before Hanukkah

A retelling of the classic bedtime story, wherein “visions of sugarplums” are replaced by “dreams of Bubbe’s latkes,” and that damn mouse is eradicated (a mouse in my clean house – oy!) by pest control.

A Partridge in a Bare Tree

The three-handkerchief story of one former teen idol’s brave effort to revitalize his career in the winter of his years.

Yes, Virginia, There Is an App for That

The heart-warming tale of one little girl and her quest for the truth: “If I see it on an app, does that make it real?”

Gotta go. Looks like Valentine’s Day is about to hit the shelves.

© 2012 Claudia Grossman