While in reality I’m a one-guy-for-the-rest-of-my-life kind of girl, in the kitchen I am a cereal monogamist. That’s right, I’ve had relationships with numerous breakfast cereals (only one at a time) for years, now, and I just can’t seem to settle down with The One. To wit:

Froot Loops. Just the name is enough to make B. turn green (and not with envy). “No redeeming nutritional value whatsoever,” he intones. But it’s got esthetic value, I argue. All those pretty colors, the sweet crunch, and that adorable toucan named Sam. Froot Loops are what got me through college — and here’s a hint:  if you mix them with peanut butter (hold the milk) they are incredibly fun to eat. Once in a while, B. will find an errant snack Froot Loop on the floor of my car. “Back story?” he’ll ask dubiously. Me, shrugging, “Looks like one of those Cheerios of yours turned a weird color.” Pivoting, “How about those Dodgers?”

Rice Krispies. Presenting three of my favorite guys, Snap, Crackle, and Pop (I really need to get out more). I just love the sound this cereal makes when I add milk. Alas, it’s all that air that makes them sing but also makes them so light that it’s like eating, well, air. Of course, turn them into those famous treats, and now you’re talking. (Also, is it just me, or do Snap and his bros look like they’re related to the Keebler elves?)

Corn Pops. When I was a kid, this cereal was named Sugar Pops and it tasted sort of like sweetened popcorn. Guess they changed the name to make it sound more nutritious but really, nothing this sweet and yummy can actually be good for you.

Frosted Flakes. I only had a brief fling with this one. It seems that Tony the Tiger and I disagree over the “they’re gr-r-r-r-r-eat” sentiment. I can’t deal with the sugary sog. And again, is it just me or does Tony remind you of the “tiger in your tank” from Esso (now Exxon) gasoline?

Quaker Oats Oatmeal. I like oatmeal, I really do. Especially if it’s thick and creamy and has a sprinkling of brown sugar on top. But I only like the slow-cooking kind. And I just couldn’t make the commitment to give the oats the time they deserved. Sorry, Mr. Quaker Oats man on the label, it’s not you, it’s me. Maybe we can still be friends.

Pumpkin Spice Cheerios. Okay, B. is a Cheerios fan. (Every breakfast. Every day.) I, however, have been known to flirt with the edgier side of these most wholesome of O’s. And Pumpkin Spice Cheerios (available only during the holidays — like right now!) are really good. No, not as good as a pumpkin latte. Or pumpkin pie. Or pumpkin cheesecake. But this is cereal, we’re talking about, people — and it’s pretty damn delicious. (Sometimes wholesome is in the eyes of the partaker, as in, “These are so good I want to eat the whole sum of the box.”)

So what’s the next chapter of my cereal serial? You never know. I had been involved with Honey Bunches of Oats until last week when a sexy new granola caught my eye in the supermarket aisle. We’re not ready to agree on a china pattern for cereal bowls, yet; right now we’re just having fun.

Two spoons up.

ⓒ 2017 Claudia Grossman